Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
