I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
