no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
