dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
