I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
