so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
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