TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Randomize
