You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I think my fart just growled at me.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
