Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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