After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Who did Billy Mays play for?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
