Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
