woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
