Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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