did you get engaged???
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
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