All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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