he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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