he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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