I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
