if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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