Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
