If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
