she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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