Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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