"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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