she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
