last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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