My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
