He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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