Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
