Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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