I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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