She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
