Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Drunk is a universal language darling
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
