I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
