I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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