Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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