But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
