Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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