Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
