Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
