I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
