whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
