Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
