take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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