Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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