Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
