Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
