In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
