quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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