Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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