I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
