Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
